Carousel Melancholia Part Deux

SX-70 Polaroid - 1st Beach on a gloomy day - La Push, Washington

round and round I go reaching melancholy highs.

riding on a carousel  I'm the wolf in disguise.

where am I going and where am I now?

cloaked in the shadows,  it's the darkness that I vow.

Listen closely to my tale of sadness and despair.

Feel my tears fall from my eyes as I rip out my hair.

As the darkness grows deeper and the light fades away.

I wonder who will miss me and who will wish that I had stayed.

Did I swing from the trees, Did I call out your name?

Would we ever have that chance to be together again?

My thoughts rush like fever and sweat drips from my brow.

Where were we then and where am I now?

I can't see my shadow, yet my roots run deep.

Binding, forever, there is darkness where I reap.

It speaks in riddles and it calls out my name.

Nothing is similar yet it all feels the same.

round and round I go reaching melancholy highs.

riding on a carousel  I'm the wolf in disguise.

where am I going and where am I now?

cloaked in the shadows,  it's the darkness that I vow.

Take my hand in yours and hold on tight.

My grip filled with ice, haunting tales of flight.

I challenge the darkness as it enters the ring

No breath, no voice, yet I will still sing.

I'll take on the earth, the heavens and below.

When death calls your name you feel that first blow.

My blood doesn't run and my fear doesn't follow.

Aura black as night as I enter the weeping hollow.

round and round I go reaching melancholy highs.

riding on a carousel  I'm the wolf in disguise.

where am I going and where am I now?

cloaked in the shadows,  it's the darkness that I vow.

round and round I go reaching melancholy highs.

riding on a carousel  I'm the wolf in disguise.

where am I going and where am I now?

cloaked in the shadows,  it's the darkness that I vow.

Carousel Melancholia

Original SX-70 Polaroid - Oakwood Cemetery - ATX

Round and round reaching  melancholy highs.

The darkness consumes, fading light falls victim from the sky.

What have I learned?

Where did I go?

Did I make it the greatest damn day I ever did know?

This tale of woe.

Of sadness and despair.

Tears from my eyes as I rip out my hair.

Darkness grows deeper, light fades away.

Did I make it the best, the best damn day I could play?

Did I swing from the trees?

Did I call out your name?

Would we ever have that chance to be together again?

Thoughts rush like fever, sweat drips from my brow.

Where were we then and where am I now?

I can't see my shadow.

My roots running deep.

Binding, forever.

This darkness revealed while I sleep.

It speaks in riddles and it calls my name.

Nothing is similar yet it all feels the same.

The cold.  

The dying.

It's death at my door.

No need for an invitation.

It's my time.

It's an extended vacation.

Take my hand and hold it tight.

Grip filled with ice and tales of the night.

I challenge the darkness as it enters the ring.

Without a voice, I will still sing.

I'll take on the earth, the heavens, the depths below.

When death calls your name you feel that first blow.

Blood doesn't run and fear doesn't follow.

Blacker than night and into the hollow.

Where am I going, where am I now?

Forever spinning on this carousel of unknown.

Round and round and into darkness I shall go.

*****

Take It All In

Viewpoint along the Barton Creek Greenbelt near the Hill of Life - high above the trees, just after storms blew through and brought in a cold front.

Paint me a pretty picture darling.

Swirling colors to create an ode to the sky.

Vast and forever.

Not tainted with lies.

Paint me a layer of dreams wrapped in blankets of clouds.

Don't hold your breath.

Take it all in.

Let yourself fall in love with this moment again.

Paint us dancing along treetops.

Wings spread wide.

Nothing to hide.

Watercolors flow freely upstream.

It's your path, make it your dream.

Paint this picture darling.

Allow the colors to blend into your heart.

Course through your veins.

Take it all in.

And darling, please make sure to paint it pretty again.

*****

Crystal Clear

SX-70 Polaroid - My grandparents' pool in San Antonio - While growing up, I lived in this pool over the summer.

What do I want?

Where do I want to end up in life?

How do I want to feel?

What makes me happy?

*****

What makes me happy:

Hiking.

When I know I've put a genuine smile on someone's face.

Listening to music.

My friends.

My family.

Playing and walking with the dogs.

Finding new recipes to cook/ bake.

Eating good food.

Working in the garden.

Polaroid and film photography.

Working out and meditating.

Writing.

Being outdoors.

Exploring.

Vintage cars, campers, and homes.

Tiny homes.

Swings.

The ocean.

Working with small businesses and creative minds.

A clean house.

Reading.

Giving and sharing kindness in all forms.

Pausing to enjoy moments - to be present and aware.

*****

How do I want to feel:

Loved.

Appreciated.

Gracious.

Calm.

Helpful.

Giving.

Always learning.

Strong.

Connected.

*****

What do I want:

To be present in everything that I do.

To enjoy whatever job I do.

To stay in touch with family and friends.

Yet still be able to explore and spread my wings.

Balance between focus and dreaming.

To take care of myself and others.

*****

Alright - now to focus - 

What are my goals and where do I want to end up in life...

Goal:  Healthy Body, Mind, and Soul

I can only take care of myself and others by keeping myself healthy, in all stages/ aspects of my life.

Body + Mind + Soul

+  I will continue to grow stronger each day +

Training with Josh.

Yoga 

Eating wholesome food and supporting local farmers.

+  I will continue to learn each day +

Reading (quotes, books, poems, articles, history)

Meditation (daily practice, reading, experience)

Volunteer and hone current skills as well as seek out and learn new ones.

+  I will nourish my soul each day +

Walk the dogs.

Hike.

Pause and reflect.

Be creative (art, writing, collage, design, cooking/baking, gardening)

Respect and be gracious.

Make life beautiful.

Embrace my time with family and friends.

Take photos.

*****

Goal:  Harmony in Work to reflect on my life and share with others.

The work I do must be meaningful to me and must help others in the process.

+ Design/ Build/ Refurbish Tiny-Small-Efficient Homes +

I've always had an interest, but have never put focus into this.

I have a degree in design and real estate.

I am creative.

I am passionate about efficient living to help our planet and ourselves.

Less is more - I've always believed in that.

I enjoy working with salvaged materials/ recycled products.

I want to bring life to old homes, not destroy them, but instead make them efficient.

Working with the earth, not against it.

Helping to create sustainable living with little waste.

Supporting local businesses as much as possible.

I will absorb whatever knowledge and skills it takes -  I will seek it out and I will master it.

*****

Goal:  Experience + Explore + Learn

My real experiences I gain from travels, taking myself out of my comfort zone, always enlighten me and reinforce my passions.

+ Travel +

Being able to witness how others live, love, create.

See the beauty that our world offers.

The open road.

Forests.

From rocky coastline to pristine, white shores.

Bask in clear skies or dance in the rain.

Share my stories and gain new ones.

+ Meaningful Relationships +

Keep experiencing and continue to be grateful for the close friends I keep.
Grow and learn from these relationships.
Strengthen bonds and connections.

*****

Seeking Me

SX-70 Polaroid - Tire Swing at my secret park.

Round and round I go.

Blurring the edges of reality.

One foot on the other side.

I walk in both worlds.

Why shouldn't I.

My world is what I make of it.

When skies are grey.

You won't find me hiding away.

I dance with the trees.

Send my laughter with the wind.

Connecting the stars.

Creating life in the clouds.

I seek to find.

Me.

All in little moments.

No grand gestures need fall at my feet.

Throw me a stone and tell me a story.

All I want is your time.

Your smile.

Your hand in mine.

Angels in the sand.

Fire to light the way.

Sing me a lullaby.

Even if I cry.

Deep in the forest I hear my name.

Following the maze.

Nothing ever looks the same.

Colors so bright.

I walk toward the light.

Tempt me.

Tease me.

Light me on fire.

My whole being.

Flames of desire.

Energy from the sun and moon, sky and earth.

Wash over me.

Create me.

Follow my path.

Always winding.

Weaving threads of darkness and light.

Never look back.

Seeking me.

Learning me.

Being me.

*****

Lost

SX-70 Polaroid - Mendocino Coastline

My Goals.

That is what must have set my thoughts in motion.

I was stripping the bed linens, good ole Monday laundry day.

And it just hit me.

That feeling.

That feeling...

When everything just felt lost.

And it hasn't felt right since.

Almost two months ago now.

Standing along the rugged coastline.

A view quite similar to the polaroid above, taken a few years ago.

That moment when I felt lost.

It's taken a while to build up... years.

But it was this moment when deep down my heart knew.

*****

A familiar place.

Filled with happy memories.

Love.

Set along the coastline of Mendocino.

Just steps from Point Cabrillo Lighthouse.

The two of us stood.

No words.

Like forgotten statues.

Forgotten love.

Frozen.

The chill of the ocean breeze against our skin.

All warmth extinguished.

He reached for my waist to draw me closer.

But it was as if we weren't touching.

The void.

It couldn't be breached.

It was less than a few minutes.

We stood.

Rigid and unnatural.

Someone I've known for so long.

Yet it all felt like I didn't know us.

And hadn't known us for a very long time.

He dropped his arm from my waist.

And walked away.

He left me standing at the edge of the cliff.

Without a word.

No emotion.

Just left me.

Waves crashing below.

My heart knew.

As it cried.

Deep.

Hollow.

Empty.

Aching.

Lost.

One tear slid down my cheek.

My eyes.

Searching the ocean.

One last time.

I knew I would never come back to this spot.

Deep down.

My heart crying.

Lost.

*****

Cloaked in Grey

Monday morning.

Cloaked in sheets of grey.

An eerie hush lingers in the shadows.

We pass by sleepy homes.

One step.

Two paws forward.

Dew drops cling like burrs against our feet.

Cold.

Damp.

Still.

Aching to hear life that still has yet to awaken.

One lone call of a dove.

But we are the only ones present.

In a vast sea of soggy, mud-riddled fog.

We stumble upon the trail.

Grey looms ahead, taunting us to push forward.

Into the unknown.

Sunken earth beneath our feet.

One step.

Two paws forward.

Darkness persists.

Swirling among us as if caught up in a dream.

Haunting.

We don't look back.

As the darkness takes hold.

And dew drops drown our thoughts..

Our journey continues.

One step.

Two paws forward.

 Monday morning.

Cloaked in sheets of grey.

*****

Before Sunrise

RECENT POLAROIDS OF ALMOST FALL-LIKE WEATHER - NOTICE MY FLIP FLOPS...

I'm not even sure I'll be able to describe this morning.

*****

Before sunrise.

A mere hint of fall chill in the air.

Around 60 degrees.

Very pleasant hiking weather.

As we make our descent down the trail we notice there are remnants of a deeper cold air that mingles with the warmer air as the night passes into day.

Everything is alive.

You can feel the energizing breeze against your skin.

See the leaves as they fall effortlessly, spiraling down through the breeze to the soft earth below.

The sky.

Morphing into a brilliant blue with wisps of clouds scattered.

The recent rains leave the creek flowing with fresh water.

Ice cold to the touch.

But the sound.

The sound of running water cascading over once parched rocks is hypnotizing.

The canopy above us allows sunlight to start filtering in as we continue along the trail.

Flecks of golden sunlight scatter through the branches, dotting the trail ahead, almost blinding us with intensity against the flowing creek ahead.

The trail becomes more dense, rocks and boulders carve out a narrow path.

Along the creek's edge, one hop and we arrive on the perfect boulder.

So cool to the touch.

But the energy.

The vibe.

How do you describe perfection.

The sky above, gleaming down brilliant blue diamonds laced in a sheer collections of clouds.

The trees that surround, shelter, nourish your soul.

The breeze whispers ancient secrets through the trees and creates fine ripples in the creek.

Dazzling creek.

Crystal clear, green from the foliage above, sparkling from the breeze and sunlight that pierce the surface and delve deep towards the depths.

There is perfect harmony interlaced among each of our senses.

To sit and bask and witness such beauty.

Such perfection.

I am so thankful.

So thankful to take it all in.

To experience magic.

The trail continues on.

Ferns.

Natural springs.

Bamboo forests.

Trees dance in the wind.

Their roots, steadfast and solid in the earth.

Birds sing songs of this day.

Performing to anyone lucky enough to tune in.

Winding through the trails.

Random bike course set in the hills.

Vagrant sleep camps scattered with books, mattresses, and shopping carts.

Around each bend.

Over each rock.

Discovering new paths.

We set out to explore new trails today.

I think we took in so much more than we even expected.

*****

Until next time...